The Death of Romance

December 2, 2010

I imagine what follows is a complete violation of all the terms and conditions set by Match.com, violations of copyright law under every state in the land and an abuse of trust and all those things my Mum told me never to do because I am a, ’nice girl.’  But frankly, this one is too good not to share and in some respects a riposte to everything I wrote earlier.  Except it isn’t obviously.  It’s a profile I have stolen from a man who clearly thinks all women are money grabbing men haters.  And I would suggest that the answer to his final question is a large, resounding NO.  Not now.  Not ever. Give it up and buy a dog.

*names and details changed in a pretend attempt to hide identities.

“How am I ever going to spend £5.4 million from my recent Lotto win??”

Oh I don’t know, prostitutes?  Drugs?  Custard creams?

Hello out there!! O.K. Honesty is always a better idea than subterfuge!

Usually yes, yes it is.  Except possibly when you follow it with:

My birth certificate it says ’23rd July,1955’…but I find that so hard to accept.I don’t feel 55,I don’t think I look 55,& I certainly don’t act 55! I can count on the fingers of one finger the number of people who have guessed my age from the way I look & behave!!!

This might be hard for you to understand but take a seat; you do look 55.  You look entirely 55.  Everything about your face screams, ‘I am 55…and may have murdered my wife and stored the remains in a suitcase under the bed.’

I can see how many women out there are ageist,materialistic & incredibly optimistic! So,if you’re looking for expensive nights out in the West End with a toy-boy…..then look elsewhere. I have the financial clout of a wet sponge,the sophistication of bangers-and-mash,& the inability to see in straight lines,or accept that a man has to impress women with anything other than charm,wit,intelligence,sensitivity…& an appreciation of shoes!
An elegant suffiency; ‘effortless superiority’; constant flippancy!!

Agreed about the wet sponge, not entirely sure how to respond to the rest of it.  For once, I am speechless.  Until:

Where did it all go wrong?  When did London become ‘Cougar Town’!!!!????

When did London become ‘Loser Town’!!!!????

Come off it,girls,please….,most younger men I know aren’t that much into older women (not with so many young ones to choose from). It’s a metropolitan,media myth! And those that are…well,…”Mrs Robinson… are you trying to seduce me?!” Benjamin really wanted her daughter!!

Then maybe I too should give it up.  Buy a budgie.  Kill myself.  All viable options before the day that hell freezes over and I start dating in the gene pool responsible for producing words of wisdom like the above.  And while we’re at it, here’s the below:

And some of the photos on these here profiles are a little perplexing too.Are you trying to frighten us men away?! My personal photos are the genuine article;every blemish,every line,every wrinkle! And,yes,I do wear specs,as I am short-sighted. But I can see where I’m going….Honest! And that,apparently,is nowhere fast!

Fair point.  My photos have been air brushed and chosen from a set where I’m wearing my best face.  Not the one I normally wear at weekends.  The one that has been pickled prodigiously in a vat of red wine, bounced a few times off walls that I swear come out of nowhere and then stuffed full of MacDonalds chips at 1am.  But that’s the point yes?  It’s a DATING site.  It’s all about the hard sell.  It’s like Ebay or being a second hand car salesman.  I’ve only been used once and am in pretty good condition with minimal wear and tear but admittedly take about 10 minutes to get going in the morning.  And my gear stick is a bit stiff but the less said about that the better.

Is there anyone out there for me?

Yes.  Because there is definitely someone for everyone.  Probably.  I mean almost everyone.  And if not, like I said get a dog, they are after all, mans best friend.

Img credit: diyana kamaruza

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3 Responses to “The Death of Romance”

  1. Phil H Says:

    Your gear stick?

    Claire, is there something you’re not telling us? 😉

    I think he’s one of those annoying obnoxious types who means well but just can’t see he gets in everyone’s face and on their tits. Though it seems he only gets on tits in a figurative sense.

    And if he was just a little bit* more eloquent he’d have a point about some profiles. I heartily subscribe to the theory that dating profiles should have at least one photo that, while still reasonably flattering, isn’t as flattering as the others. And not taken from exactly the same angle.

    This is important. Because if it’s going to go anywhere, you do need to meet them at some point, and the other person not looking anywhere near as nice as their photos is not a particularly good start to a date.

    *lot

  2. Phil H Says:

    This is not something you should theorise about on your profile though.

  3. Claire Says:

    Oh my, what a charmer! Looking forward to keeping up with this blog!

    Cxx


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