October 14, 2010


So this was it.  THE year.  Young, free and single and oh the possibilities.  And I’m sure there were many possibilities.  Certainly, if you were gay, had a girlfriend or were just plain not interested – I probably spent the vast majority of 2010 really fancying you.  All of you.  Because not only do I have awful taste in men, I’m also apparently very fickle.

So I decided to wave goodbye to unrequited love and I took my fickle self and threw her into the online dating gene pool.  And I’m sure, in fact I KNOW, that there are lots of normal, lovely people on there.  Some of my best friends met and got into very happy relationships through internet dating.  But let’s just plumb the depths shall we?  Just for a little while and explore the murky waters where hopefully a few of these people might just stay (names changed to protect identities):

First of all we have John, who should know that emails like:


you look great

love ya pix

I am John..I work with teenagers in se London xx

Just moved near you!..may need you as my sexy tour guide!”

Do not work and also make him sound like a child molester.

And Bob, I’m sorry Bob if this is a genuine disability but my name is not spelt ‘cliaree’ and the email:

‘whrere did live norh bob.’

seems to be lacking some vital words.

And no Dan I do not:

‘fancy sum fun.’

Maths never really was my strong point.

Then there are the men who send you generic emails that you don’t respond to.  Then forget they’ve already sent you a generic email and send you exactly the same one a few weeks later.  That does get a response, but only to tell the man in question that there was a restraining order in operation and to please never contact me again.

And the ones who should be strongly advised against writing their own profiles:

‘I don’t know why I’m single.’

I would personally suggest that it’s because you write things like this.

‘I am the dogs bollocks.’

Doubtful and I bet the dog probably has a more endearing personality that you do.

‘I do like a bit off sarcasim, but don’t go over the top with it.’

We will NEVER get on then clearly (although he does spell as well as I do).

Not being content with having a face, and now I can roast a duck, time is ripe to find a girly to help lick the platter clean. So my mum deemed instead of my traipsing the watering hovels for a girly, she’d fund me a few more century’s to trickle about this dastardly website.

Well yes, obviously, I’m sure I’d agree if only the hell I knew what you were talking about.  But you DO have a face.  Well done.

And not forgetting the incredibly witty and revealing usernames (names not changed and no identity protected on this one, sorry) step on up (or God PLEASE don’t):



Clitlicker__a_839 (who incidentally is looking for a woman of maximum age 74 and I wish him luck with this).

I’m really not going to mention all the men who have ‘winked’ at me that are old enough to be my Dad.  Not that I’m ageist or anything but no, over 60’s don’t really do it for me.

And finally, FINALLY when you pluck up the courage to get to the dating part, there are those men that on a first date try and stick their tongue in your mouth in front of a pub beer garden.  Certainly one you want to take home to meet your Mum.

Life at the moment is far from boring.

Img credit: SeaScapes12


4 Responses to “Un-matchable.com”

  1. Phil H Says:

    That sounds pretty much the calibre of men you get on plentyoffish.com, thus scaring all the decent women off. I now no longer use that site.

    Are these wonderful profiles and messages accompanied by pictures of them next to their cars with their tops off?

    Also an immediate no-no – declaring in the first sentence of your profile that you think Internet dating is rubbish and anyone who uses it must be a bit weird.

    And saying “Well, I don’t want to write much here because then we’d have nothing to talk about on our first date.”

    And listing the same interests as everyone else. ie, music, going out and staying in.

    I’ve just dived back in after a couple of months’ break. Funtimes.

  2. radiokate Says:

    Teehee – I am suddenly transported back to my 31Days project and pretty much the exact phrase, daft user names and bad spellings that you speak of. Perhaps we should arrange some sort of girly night out somewhere where apparently normal boys might hang out? xx

  3. Anna Says:

    Claire, I love you.
    Was the last quotation actually taken from Pilling’s profile?

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